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In my room, there are many things that have been collecting dust. Books, papers, trophies, medals, toys and trinkets, you name it. It’s like it’s been frozen in time. Yet, I’ve been gone for so long. I’m changed now… somehow. 

However, being back causes me to take the shell of my former self. I’ve put on the old me again, though that’s not who I am anymore. Reading old notes, I sit back and wonder who this guy really was back in the day. While I wander around, I see glimpses of him, his ghost, his shadow. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just sit down with him one day, and just talk?

My memories are already fading fast… I can feel them in the air around me, but the moment I try to catch one, it just slips through my fingers. Soon, they will become no more than a passing breeze.

Lord I’m tired. So tired from walking.
And Lord, the dark is creeping up, its creeping in to swallow me.
I think I’ll stop here, rest here a while.
Oh great God, give us rest.
We’re all worn thin from all of this.
At the end of our hope with nothing left.
Oh great God, do your best.
Have you seen this place? It’s all a mess.
And I’ve done my part too well I ‘fess

There’s just no reason to it, no logic I can find.
Why you choose to love the way you do.
Cause I’ve seen my share of darkness, and it tears me up inside.
Who deserves the life you came to lose?

The more I learn about what it means to be a Christ follower…

uberawkward:

…the more I learn about how far I am from being a faithful Christian. Or maybe even just a Christian, at this point…

This is true of anything that is worth pursuing.

Justice: An addendum

The last post I wrote was on the “unfairness” of God. However, at the same time God is a just and righteous God. He is a good God, one of order and not of confusion. And in that sense He is “fair.” It’s a subtle but important difference.

God’s grace and mercy is utterly and inherently “unfair.” But when it comes to justice and judgement, he is the most “fair” judge you’re going to get. At some point, this term is going to run us aground into confusion.

The first case speaks to an idea of God giving us things we don’t deserve (grace) and withholding punishment that we do deserve (mercy). The second, on the other hand, is a description of God’s righteousness and justice: that is to say, He will not miss the last iota of information in evaluating something with regards to the “law.” It also speaks to the hope that the oppressed have that God will see to it sin is punished. That God, in spite of their suffering, has not shortchanged them. In this second sense, the desire for justice, is something that should be sought after.

One is about God’s relationship with us, the other is on God’s stance on the sin of the world. We are not deserving, but in the end God will make things right.

On Fairness and Equality

In the United States, there’s been a huge emphasis on this issue of fairness and equality. There’s has been a long history of prejudice and hatred born from the differences between people. American slavery (note the distinction) was borne out of the idea that the other, the people of color, were not equal to those who were. All of this stuff with affirmative action and black history month and anti-discrimination have been spawned as a result, and slow but surely the culture and mindset is changing. This is good, without a doubt, but is it really addressing the real issue? Is this really what the solution looks like? It’s been a century and a half since slaver was abolished. It’s been 50 years since the African American Civil Rights movement succeeded. But even still, racism and prejudice still exist. Why?

I contend that it is because fairness and equality is a myth. At least, in the human estimation. Humans are inherently born unequal. But that is different, very different, from saying one person is superior to another. Just because two things are different does not mean that they can be compared. Can the hand say to the foot that it is superior? Can the brain say to the big toe that is superior? Clearly not, for they are different. Sure, one may be more stronger or more central or more useful, but they are all important nonetheless.

Imagine two children fighting over a toy. One comes up to you and says, “It’s not fair, he’s been playing with it so much more than I have! It should be my turn! It’s not fair!” You never see the opposite. You wouldn’t see a child coming up to you and saying, “It’s not fair! I’ve been playing with this toy too much! I should give it to my friend who hasn’t been able to play with it as much as I have.” In the same way, when we say we want equality, or we want fairness, I doubt that most people actually desire that. It is instead engendered in sin, in envy and in pride.

Therefore, as a Christian I do not believe in fairness. I do not believe in equality. I will go so far to say that I am meant to be unfair, to treat people unequally.

Inherently, people are different. God has made people differently. Therefore we should treat them differently. There is no “one size fits all.” Why are we trying to reduce humanity to a colorless, genderless, distinctiveless mass?

Not only that, but if we look at God, the Christian God, is He fair? Does He treat everyone equally? No, He doesn’t. And how marvelous and wonderful it is, that He does not treat everyone equally or fairly. For if He were fair, then we would be dead in our sins. At our hands, Jesus suffered the ultimate unfair punishment: that He, who was without blemish, died for the sake of humanity. For if He treated us all equally, then we would all be the same. We would not have the vibrance of life that comes from diversity, that comes from being male or female, from being white or black or somewhere in between, and everything else besides. And in that, if He treated us all the same, then He could not love us perfectly the way we are.

Therefore, as a Christian, I do not feel this need to abolish inequality. The wealth gap will always exist. The gender divide will always exist. Diversity will always exist. I do not need to treat all people the same, because they are not all the same. Rather, I seek to interact and love people despite our differences, despite our disparities.

Therefore, as a Christian, I seek to be unfair. I seek to put others before myself. To love them even if I do not think that they are deserving of love. To suffer transgressions at the hands of others, and to turn the other cheek. To show grace and mercy, instead of demanding fairness.

The issue that people have is not about fairness or equality. It is the fact that many injustices and sin occur in the name of inequality and unfairness. And because of that, we run to a concept of fairness and equality, to arbitrated rules and regulations, creating a falsehood that seems to, in theory, solve the problems. However, it is merely replacing a lie with another lie.

It has, and always will be, an issue of the heart. And I continue to struggle with this. Not to love people “because,” but to love people “despite.”

Edit: See the addendum. I am not advocating that we stop fighting for human rights or things like that. What I am trying to say is that we do not fight for these things because “it is not equal or not fair,” but rather that the reason we fight against prejudice is because they breed hatred and sin. A difference in wealth is bad, for example, only if the wealth is being misused. The latter half I did not really address, so my bad.

The problem with “Heterosexuality”

The LGBT community has probably heard more than enough about how “sinful” they are. Humor me as I turn that around and address the “straight community.”

You are just as sinful. You are just as guilty of sexual sin as much as any person who is “gay,” not to mention everything else besides. Do you not lust with your eyes and with your thoughts, desire things that are fleeting and self-destructive? And yet, we live in this world where we make these pretenses where we cover it up with lies. It is just as bad, or arguably even worse, because we think we’re still okay.

Imagine going before the world and declaring that you engage in pornography or lustful desires or what have you. You can just imagine the change in the way people might react to you. But why? Have you changed as a person? Clearly not. Rather, you have lived a life not representing who you truly are. Have we come to a point where we’re content with “exchanging God’s truth for a lie, worshiping and serving created things rather than the creator?” Where we give ourselves over to shameful lusts?

And the saddest part is that we’ve come to the conclusion since it’s “normal,” it’s okay. Permissible, at least to some degree. Not worth getting upset or angry over. Not worth somebody lambasting at you for. Not worth somebody crying over or pleading over or arguing over or telling you how wrong and terrible and how sinful and spiteful of God these acts are.

And this whole idea of marriage is all backwards. You want to talk about a biblical definition of marriage? That God sanctions “heterosexual marriage”? Please. The MAJORITY of “marriages,” as sanctioned by the government, would not even qualify for marriage in God’s eyes. Every bit as repugnant as some people would find “gay marriage” to be.

Jesus clearly says that to divorce is, except in the most extreme of circumstances, to cause your spouse to commit adultery (loosely paraphrased). The majority of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Biblical marriage is a covenant that reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. It is not about the man, or the woman, or both for that matter. It is not about marrying the person you love, but loving the person you marry. And it is not a decision made on the whim of feeling, but through fasting and prayer and discernment of God’s call for you to a spouse. I would contend that very VERY few marriages, on the whole, fall under this category. STOP MISUSING THE BIBLE TO FUEL YOUR OWN AGENDAS.

What the “straight” community needs is not a wife or a husband. What the LGBT community needs is not a life partner. We don’t need legal sanction of LGBT views or of the “conservative Bible-thumpers.” Really, this entire issue is beside the point, a mere smokescreen.

What we need is Jesus. Him, and only Him.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? YOU HYPOCRITE, first take the plank out of your eye, AND THEN YOU WILL SEE CLEARLY TO REMOVE THE SPECK FROM YOUR BROTHER’S EYE.”

I do not claim to be an authority on this matter. I would fall in the camp of viewing homosexual acts as sin and homosexual marriage as not what God considers “marriage.” The Bible, to me, seems pretty clear on this issue. If not, feel free to challenge me otherwise; I would be open to hearing what you have to say. In fact, I would want you to so I can learn more. But that is not my issue. Rather, it’s this:

What is sin to you? Do you really see it for what it truly is? And if so, do our lives reflect that?

TIme

I can’t tell if it’s a shackle or a blessing. On the one hand, it gives impetus, conviction, drive. On the other, burden, busyness, tiredness. It goes on and on, waiting for no one, so either you press onward with it or get swept along it like the tide.

I will never have enough time. But maybe that’s just enough for me.

Anger

The world frustrates me. It frustrates me to no end.
The “Church” frustrates me. Those who call themselves Christian yet behave nothing like it. Those who have been corrupted by power or greed or whatever sin.

My heart is being consumed by anguish and anger. It is breaking because of how torn apart this world is. I can’t believe I forgot about this. I want to be a recluse now.

PEOPLE. JUST STAHP SO I CAN DO MY HOMEWORK IN PEACE. LIKE SERIOUSLY.

That said, I am no better than the least of these. No more deserving, no more righteous, no more holy. I really am just worthless piece of trash that can’t love, can’t be faithful, can’t serve. I have failed in all these things and more.

This whole thing about desiring equality? We don’t truly want that. The average person in this world struggles for food and water. Come back and tell me you want equality after you have given up all your material possessions for the sake of the poor.

Love? Tolerance? Are you kidding me? We love when its convenient. We love when we get something out of it. We’re tolerant only to the point that it doesn’t inconvenience us. When it’s not a threat to us. We lie through the skin of our teeth to avoid doing things or even avoid certain people.

Patience? Please. When we want things, we want them now. ASAP. We don’t like waiting for people. We get irritated just because somebody is driving slowly and blocking up traffic.

At the end of the day, we’re selfish. Egotistical. We would advance our status at the expense of others, yet try to justify ourselves through convoluted loopholes. And we’ve become pros at this. We’d like to think of ourselves as important, yet we hide it underneath a mask of fake humility to FURTHER our image in the eyes of others.

We’re not perfect. But even so, we are far from it.

There is no one righteous. Not even one.