Nothing to be done.

In my room, there are many things that have been collecting dust. Books, papers, trophies, medals, toys and trinkets, you name it. It’s like it’s been frozen in time. Yet, I’ve been gone for so long. I’m changed now… somehow. 

However, being back causes me to take the shell of my former self. I’ve put on the old me again, though that’s not who I am anymore. Reading old notes, I sit back and wonder who this guy really was back in the day. While I wander around, I see glimpses of him, his ghost, his shadow. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just sit down with him one day, and just talk?

My memories are already fading fast… I can feel them in the air around me, but the moment I try to catch one, it just slips through my fingers. Soon, they will become no more than a passing breeze.

Lord I’m tired. So tired from walking.
And Lord, the dark is creeping up, its creeping in to swallow me.
I think I’ll stop here, rest here a while.
Oh great God, give us rest.
We’re all worn thin from all of this.
At the end of our hope with nothing left.
Oh great God, do your best.
Have you seen this place? It’s all a mess.
And I’ve done my part too well I ‘fess

There’s just no reason to it, no logic I can find.
Why you choose to love the way you do.
Cause I’ve seen my share of darkness, and it tears me up inside.
Who deserves the life you came to lose?

uberawkward:

…the more I learn about how far I am from being a faithful Christian. Or maybe even just a Christian, at this point…

This is true of anything that is worth pursuing.

The last post I wrote was on the “unfairness” of God. However, at the same time God is a just and righteous God. He is a good God, one of order and not of confusion. And in that sense He is “fair.” It’s a subtle but important difference.

God’s grace and mercy is utterly and inherently “unfair.” But when it comes to justice and judgement, he is the most “fair” judge you’re going to get. At some point, this term is going to run us aground into confusion.

The first case speaks to an idea of God giving us things we don’t deserve (grace) and withholding punishment that we do deserve (mercy). The second, on the other hand, is a description of God’s righteousness and justice: that is to say, He will not miss the last iota of information in evaluating something with regards to the “law.” It also speaks to the hope that the oppressed have that God will see to it sin is punished. That God, in spite of their suffering, has not shortchanged them. In this second sense, the desire for justice, is something that should be sought after.

One is about God’s relationship with us, the other is on God’s stance on the sin of the world. We are not deserving, but in the end God will make things right.

In the United States, there’s been a huge emphasis on this issue of fairness and equality. There’s has been a long history of prejudice and hatred born from the differences between people. American slavery (note the distinction) was borne out of the idea that the other, the people of color, were not equal to those who were. All of this stuff with affirmative action and black history month and anti-discrimination have been spawned as a result, and slow but surely the culture and mindset is changing. This is good, without a doubt, but is it really addressing the real issue? Is this really what the solution looks like? It’s been a century and a half since slaver was abolished. It’s been 50 years since the African American Civil Rights movement succeeded. But even still, racism and prejudice still exist. Why?

I contend that it is because fairness and equality is a myth. At least, in the human estimation. Humans are inherently born unequal. But that is different, very different, from saying one person is superior to another. Just because two things are different does not mean that they can be compared. Can the hand say to the foot that it is superior? Can the brain say to the big toe that is superior? Clearly not, for they are different. Sure, one may be more stronger or more central or more useful, but they are all important nonetheless.

Imagine two children fighting over a toy. One comes up to you and says, “It’s not fair, he’s been playing with it so much more than I have! It should be my turn! It’s not fair!” You never see the opposite. You wouldn’t see a child coming up to you and saying, “It’s not fair! I’ve been playing with this toy too much! I should give it to my friend who hasn’t been able to play with it as much as I have.” In the same way, when we say we want equality, or we want fairness, I doubt that most people actually desire that. It is instead engendered in sin, in envy and in pride.

Therefore, as a Christian I do not believe in fairness. I do not believe in equality. I will go so far to say that I am meant to be unfair, to treat people unequally.

Inherently, people are different. God has made people differently. Therefore we should treat them differently. There is no “one size fits all.” Why are we trying to reduce humanity to a colorless, genderless, distinctiveless mass?

Not only that, but if we look at God, the Christian God, is He fair? Does He treat everyone equally? No, He doesn’t. And how marvelous and wonderful it is, that He does not treat everyone equally or fairly. For if He were fair, then we would be dead in our sins. At our hands, Jesus suffered the ultimate unfair punishment: that He, who was without blemish, died for the sake of humanity. For if He treated us all equally, then we would all be the same. We would not have the vibrance of life that comes from diversity, that comes from being male or female, from being white or black or somewhere in between, and everything else besides. And in that, if He treated us all the same, then He could not love us perfectly the way we are.

Therefore, as a Christian, I do not feel this need to abolish inequality. The wealth gap will always exist. The gender divide will always exist. Diversity will always exist. I do not need to treat all people the same, because they are not all the same. Rather, I seek to interact and love people despite our differences, despite our disparities.

Therefore, as a Christian, I seek to be unfair. I seek to put others before myself. To love them even if I do not think that they are deserving of love. To suffer transgressions at the hands of others, and to turn the other cheek. To show grace and mercy, instead of demanding fairness.

The issue that people have is not about fairness or equality. It is the fact that many injustices and sin occur in the name of inequality and unfairness. And because of that, we run to a concept of fairness and equality, to arbitrated rules and regulations, creating a falsehood that seems to, in theory, solve the problems. However, it is merely replacing a lie with another lie.

It has, and always will be, an issue of the heart. And I continue to struggle with this. Not to love people “because,” but to love people “despite.”

Edit: See the addendum. I am not advocating that we stop fighting for human rights or things like that. What I am trying to say is that we do not fight for these things because “it is not equal or not fair,” but rather that the reason we fight against prejudice is because they breed hatred and sin. A difference in wealth is bad, for example, only if the wealth is being misused. The latter half I did not really address, so my bad.

The LGBT community has probably heard more than enough about how “sinful” they are. Humor me as I turn that around and address the “straight community.”

You are just as sinful. You are just as guilty of sexual sin as much as any person who is “gay,” not to mention everything else besides. Do you not lust with your eyes and with your thoughts, desire things that are fleeting and self-destructive? And yet, we live in this world where we make these pretenses where we cover it up with lies. It is just as bad, or arguably even worse, because we think we’re still okay.

Imagine going before the world and declaring that you engage in pornography or lustful desires or what have you. You can just imagine the change in the way people might react to you. But why? Have you changed as a person? Clearly not. Rather, you have lived a life not representing who you truly are. Have we come to a point where we’re content with “exchanging God’s truth for a lie, worshiping and serving created things rather than the creator?” Where we give ourselves over to shameful lusts?

And the saddest part is that we’ve come to the conclusion since it’s “normal,” it’s okay. Permissible, at least to some degree. Not worth getting upset or angry over. Not worth somebody lambasting at you for. Not worth somebody crying over or pleading over or arguing over or telling you how wrong and terrible and how sinful and spiteful of God these acts are.

And this whole idea of marriage is all backwards. You want to talk about a biblical definition of marriage? That God sanctions “heterosexual marriage”? Please. The MAJORITY of “marriages,” as sanctioned by the government, would not even qualify for marriage in God’s eyes. Every bit as repugnant as some people would find “gay marriage” to be.

Jesus clearly says that to divorce is, except in the most extreme of circumstances, to cause your spouse to commit adultery (loosely paraphrased). The majority of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Biblical marriage is a covenant that reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. It is not about the man, or the woman, or both for that matter. It is not about marrying the person you love, but loving the person you marry. And it is not a decision made on the whim of feeling, but through fasting and prayer and discernment of God’s call for you to a spouse. I would contend that very VERY few marriages, on the whole, fall under this category. STOP MISUSING THE BIBLE TO FUEL YOUR OWN AGENDAS.

What the “straight” community needs is not a wife or a husband. What the LGBT community needs is not a life partner. We don’t need legal sanction of LGBT views or of the “conservative Bible-thumpers.” Really, this entire issue is beside the point, a mere smokescreen.

What we need is Jesus. Him, and only Him.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? YOU HYPOCRITE, first take the plank out of your eye, AND THEN YOU WILL SEE CLEARLY TO REMOVE THE SPECK FROM YOUR BROTHER’S EYE.”

I do not claim to be an authority on this matter. I would fall in the camp of viewing homosexual acts as sin and homosexual marriage as not what God considers “marriage.” The Bible, to me, seems pretty clear on this issue. If not, feel free to challenge me otherwise; I would be open to hearing what you have to say. In fact, I would want you to so I can learn more. But that is not my issue. Rather, it’s this:

What is sin to you? Do you really see it for what it truly is? And if so, do our lives reflect that?

I can’t tell if it’s a shackle or a blessing. On the one hand, it gives impetus, conviction, drive. On the other, burden, busyness, tiredness. It goes on and on, waiting for no one, so either you press onward with it or get swept along it like the tide.

I will never have enough time. But maybe that’s just enough for me.

The world frustrates me. It frustrates me to no end.
The “Church” frustrates me. Those who call themselves Christian yet behave nothing like it. Those who have been corrupted by power or greed or whatever sin.

My heart is being consumed by anguish and anger. It is breaking because of how torn apart this world is. I can’t believe I forgot about this. I want to be a recluse now.

PEOPLE. JUST STAHP SO I CAN DO MY HOMEWORK IN PEACE. LIKE SERIOUSLY.

That said, I am no better than the least of these. No more deserving, no more righteous, no more holy. I really am just worthless piece of trash that can’t love, can’t be faithful, can’t serve. I have failed in all these things and more.

This whole thing about desiring equality? We don’t truly want that. The average person in this world struggles for food and water. Come back and tell me you want equality after you have given up all your material possessions for the sake of the poor.

Love? Tolerance? Are you kidding me? We love when its convenient. We love when we get something out of it. We’re tolerant only to the point that it doesn’t inconvenience us. When it’s not a threat to us. We lie through the skin of our teeth to avoid doing things or even avoid certain people.

Patience? Please. When we want things, we want them now. ASAP. We don’t like waiting for people. We get irritated just because somebody is driving slowly and blocking up traffic.

At the end of the day, we’re selfish. Egotistical. We would advance our status at the expense of others, yet try to justify ourselves through convoluted loopholes. And we’ve become pros at this. We’d like to think of ourselves as important, yet we hide it underneath a mask of fake humility to FURTHER our image in the eyes of others.

We’re not perfect. But even so, we are far from it.

There is no one righteous. Not even one.

Every time I come back home, I’m always surprised at how much a single week back can encourage my heart. From randomly running into people for a few minutes to catching up with them over a meal, I’ve really enjoyed just getting to see people again.

But what’s so amazing is just seeing God’s hand work despite miles of separation. Going to church on Sunday and seeing how the congregation is being challenged and is growing, seeing how what they’re learning parallels with what I’m learning at Cornell. Hanging out with James, Jon, Ricky, and others, I’m refreshed to see them and hear all the things God has been doing in their lives, stretching them in many directions. I can feel it in the wisdom they’ve gained and have shared with me, rekindling my own heart with a passion for God. And some of the stories have been simply crazy, like a young woman being healed at the airport and throwing her crutches into a trash can. Like what the… xD. But I digress.

You know, there are times where I wonder if I made the right choice. I left a lot of things behind in order to go up to Ithaca. And I am a bit envious of the many blessings that they have. They have a whole week of 24/7 praise outside on campus, in addition with sermons and other things. Like… I can’t even imagine something like that on Cornell. So many people just so on fire for God, whereas at Cornell it just seems like everybody is drained and tired all the time.

That said, I realize that I’m supposed to be up in the North. I come back home and become rested and encouraged so that when I go back, I can bring it with me. I can share it and we can grow together as a community.

God’s hand is amazing. And this is just within the US, between two points on the whole earth.

I’m glad to be home. It’s a nice and balmy 70ish here, unlike the freezing 25. I miss the wind and the humidity. I never thought it was windy or humid in Austin, but apparently people think Ithaca is both, and I think Ithaca is neither… So yea. Whatevs.

Something about home is always so refreshing, like a breath of fresh air. It’s always great to just see people again after such a long time. Going to church today, I was reminded of all the things that had been left behind. Simply from worship, I could just feel the air of nostalgia as we sung familiar songs in a familiar style with familiar people. It was nice to hear PG speak again, and on the issue of lust, challenging the congregation without any reservations. First time at Quest though, where we had a good, but rushed, discussion of our calling and how that fits in with college.

It’s so good to see the church growing and continuing to strive after God’s heart. Maybe it’s just coincidence, but every time I come back it seems like ACC has been learning/teaching the same things I have even though I’m away. Probably even one step ahead of me in that regard actually xD.

But I’m glad to be home, because I can put down my mantle. I can just place all my burdens at the door, hang up that coat, and simply enjoy the company of old friends.

Well, here’s to a good Spring Break!

Hey guys, sorry for not posting in such a long time. My thoughts have just been accumulating and accumulating for such a long time, to the point where my mind is probably starting to shut down. So, hopefully this thought dump will be somewhat coherent.

Something that’s constantly on my mind these days is the difference between the past and the present. I try to look back at the kid I was back at the beginning of high school, and I barely remember him. My memory is fading, and fading fast. I vaguely remember this boy who was mostly quiet, mostly kept to himself, sat and listened to people all the time because he didn’t really have much to contribute in conversation. Not that it was bad or not enjoyable, mind you, but that was the status quo. Definitely, those years have taught me much about being patient and listening, but keeping up with a conversation is still somewhat difficult, and starting one is awfully hard.

In the past, apparently people were always surprised when they got to know me more. I remember one of my friends, when we were working on a group science project, exclaiming, “Wow, I didn’t know that you were this outgoing!” Or perhaps another person, who told me that he once thought I was the quiet, studious type, devoted solely on grades and academics, was a bit shocked to find out that I was the more easygoing, chill, whatever sort of person. It’s pretty funny, really. But still, I am an enigma to myself. I don’t really understand myself all too well, and many times I need to look at myself through mirrors; namely, through other people. I see myself reflected in them, through them. 

I changed a lot during those years, grew a lot and learned a lot. And it makes me wonder how I’ve changed during my time here. Honestly, there are many ways I’ve changed while I’ve been here that I don’t like. Or maybe, they were just things that haven’t been brought to light. Among those, I definitely feel much more selfish, especially with my time and money. Now that it seems more valuable to me, I don’t want to just hand it to other people. Seeking rest seems to be the norm, but yet my heart is convicted of giving what is precious and valuable to me for the sake of others.

Believe or not, I’m still adjusting to the change in environment. I still compare things here and back home, looking at similarities and differences. Some things still take some getting used to. There are things here that don’t exist at home, but there are also some things that are lacking here that I miss from home. It’s difficult between trying to adjust to the good things that are here and trying to carry the the things that I’ve learned from home to share with others. It is what it is.

However, one thing stays constant. My life should be constantly being changed and renewed by the gospel. I’m still trying to see it, to know it fully. This process is slower than I would like it to be sometimes… Yet at the same time, I’m afraid of going too fast. Heh… Just gotta move in faith.

Yea… there are many more thoughts to be dumped.

This year was rough in many ways. It’s made me tired. Not physically tired, per se, though that did happen. Time seemed to fly by so fast, yet something inside of me has been weighed down with a heavy burden. Or perhaps, burdens.

I don’t really know what I’ve learned, honestly. People say I’ve changed, but I don’t know how. All I see right now is an emptiness that desires to be filled, but I’m not sure how to fill it.

Well, maybe that is what I learned. I am empty. I don’t love people the way I should. I don’t seek righteousness or justice. I don’t become filled with a righteous anger towards injustice. I see things, but my heart is like stone, cold to the world. Paralyzed by fear and apathy, I’ve learned to not care.

I didn’t use the things I’ve been given properly. My time, my skills, my energy were misappropriated. But then, I’m not exactly sure what the proper appropriation of these things are.

To some extent, I feel a certain loneliness. Honestly, its a bit ridiculous. I have so many friends and family supporting me. Surrounded in such loving community, how can I feel lonely? However, there is no denying it. Part of it comes from my studies. I’m headed into a direction where few understand. Such a significant part of my life that I can’t really talk about with other people, but perhaps its a sign that too much of my life revolves around school. But that’s not the whole story.

I rest, but I’m still tired. I’m sad, but I can’t cry. I’m empty, but I don’t know why. I want to talk, but I don’t have words to say. I don’t even know anymore. But then again, I don’t usually. My head is still a fog of thoughts. I’m trying to piece it all together, to clean it up, but its so hard.

That said, I’m still glad. Glad that I’m still alive, since I nearly died this year. Glad for all the things that I’ve been given, even though I waste so much of it. And glad for all the people who pour their love into this confused soul.

With life becoming more and more complicated, I forget so easily the things I’ve learned in years past. But thankfully, I’ve come to remember this one thing:

To see myself properly, I need to look into a mirror. But what constitutes a mirror of the heart? Others. Friends, family, acquaintances, enemies. I can see myself reflected on their hearts.

I guess I should start looking at myself a little bit more closely.

“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation is. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives into temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.

We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist. Very well, then. The main thing we learn from a serious attempt to practice the Christian virtues is that we fail. If there was any idea that God had set us a sort of exam, that we might get good marks by deserving them, that has to be wiped out. If there was any idea of a sort of bargain - any idea that we could perform our side of the contract and thus put God in our debts so that it was up to Him, in mere justice, to perform His side - that has to be wiped out.

I think everyone who as some vague belief in God, until he becomes a Christian, has the idea of an exam, or of a bargain in his mind. The first result of real Christianity is to blow that idea into bits. When they find it blown into bits, some people think this means that Christianity is a failure and give up. They seem to imagine that God is very simple-minded! In fact, of course, He knows all about this. One of the very things Christianity was designed to do was to blow this idea to bits. God has been waiting for the moment at which you discover that there isno question of earning a pass mark in this exam, or putting Him in your debt.”

CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

“Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call “humble” nowadays; he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.

If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the first step. The first step is to realize one is proud. And a biggish step, too. At least, nothing whatever can be done before it. If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.”

-CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

“See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.

This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
and this is their vindication from me,”
declares the Lord.”

Isaiah 54:16-17

Such a powerful heritage… yet it seems like I don’t use it at all….